Monday, May 5, 2008

Number Twenty Nine: Is it Karma?





Now this is just good fun. Who doesn't believe in Karma? If you're one of the non-believers, don't worry. Karma believes in you.

What goes around comes around.
An eye for an eye.
What goes up, must come down.

While the whole idea of Karma is rooted strongly in different eastern religions, it means about the same to everyone world wide, religious or not. If you do something shitty...sooner or later something shitty is gonna happen right back atcha!

It may not be true that bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people. But, it sure is fun to think so. It also takes a lot of pressure off of us to think that way. You don't have to judge, reward or punish...it will be taken care of. So today...just start letting things go. Let karma deal with it.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Number Twenty Eight: Sorry Sweetheart






Sorry sweetheart, but you can't be anything you want when you grow up.


When I was a little girl, I was told that I could be anything I wanted when I grew up. It didn't take me too many years to realize that this just wasn't (and still isn't) true. There are MANY things women still can't do:

In the military alone, women are excluded from:
Army: infantry, special forces (Green Berets, SFOD-Delta)
Navy: submarine service, special forces (SEALs)
Air Force: special forces (pararescue, combat controller)
Marines: infantry, special forces (force recon, sniper)

But what I wanted to be...was a priest. I have two uncles who are catholic priests. And growing up, I wanted to be one too. However, my church does not allow, nor see me as good enough to be a priest. Why? Because I'm a woman. Imagine growing up knowing that you are NEVER going to be what you want. Then imagine having to be dedicated to a place that made me feel "less than." It was difficult.

I am still a member of the Catholic church, but there are things I don't agree with. One of the biggest issues I have is the vampant disregard of the ordination of women. I hope in my lifetime that women will become priests. I will join the fight for this. There is no reason women shouldn't be allowed to lead a church.

If we really want to get down to business:
There would be NO priests if there weren't women. WE make them. Women are the creatures that create those humans we believe to be in God's image.

As passionate as I feel about this issue, I don't feel that I am the best to speak out on it, so I wanted to share an article from someone who is.


Catholic Women Press Their Fitness for Priesthood

By Claire Bushey
WeNews correspondent

Two Roman Catholic women were just ordained in Minneapolis, joining a roster that is condemned by Rome. On another front, advocates who prefer to engage the Vatican on female ordination pursue a "Ministry of Irritation."

Alice Iaquinta is ordained.

CHICAGO (WOMENSENEWS)--Alice Iaquinta's classmates, all men, had left her behind.

After studying together for six years at Saint Francis Seminary in Milwaukee, Iaquinta attended the ordination ceremony of one of them, a close friend, in 2006 at the city's cathedral. She noticed a corona of thorns circling the crucifix hanging above the altar.

"As they were called forward, he said, 'Here I am, I am ready,'" she recalled. "I just felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart."

She was ready too, but the Roman Catholic Church does not ordain women.

Iaquinta considered converting to another denomination, but one night, after several hours of research, she closed her computer and told God, "Sorry, I'm Catholic. I'll do whatever you want. You make it happen."

The next day she received an e-mail from a stranger telling her about Roman Catholic Womenpriests. Composed of communities in the United States, Canada and Europe, the group represents an international initiative within the church to ordain women without the blessing of Rome. The group's bishops, including both men and women, have ordained about 25 women as priests since 2002 and another eight as deacons.

Through them Iaquinta was ordained on Aug. 12 in Minneapolis, as was Judith McKloskey of Minnesota.

Iaquinta admitted to still being a little overwhelmed five days later when she arrived in Chicago for Women-Church Convergence, a three-day gathering of female Catholics, sponsored by a coalition of more than 30 groups from across North America, including Mary's Pence in Metuchen, N.J., Catholics for a Free Choice and DignityUSA, both in Washington, D.C.

But she was among like-minded company. For those who attended the Aug. 17-19 conference, women's ordination constituted just one of many struggles to discuss and pray over. There were liturgies praising divine wisdom, workshops on ministering to immigrants and eradicating heterosexism, and keynotes delivered by womanist theologians.
Dual Approach

The movement to ordain women as priests in the Roman Catholic Church began in the 1970s and continues today with leaders pursuing a dual approach.

While groups like Roman Catholic Womenpriests forge ahead with ordinations, some organizations try to engage the Vatican, which asserts women are theologically unfit for priesthood.

Women's Ordination Conference, an advocacy organization based in Fairfax, Va., operates a "Ministry of Irritation," which writes letters to bishops, protests their meetings and invites them each March to World Day of Prayer, an ecumenical observation for women around the globe.

Three main obstacles exist to women's ordination.

The first, Canon Law 1024, part of the church's official law, says only baptized men can be ordained.

The second is a 1994 apostolic letter by Pope John Paul II, which declared an end to the official debate over female ordination.

The third and still most controversial is a teaching published in 1976 by the Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, a body charged with safeguarding the church's faith and morals. Inter Insigniores--titled in English the "Declaration on the Question of the Admission of Women to the Ministerial Priesthood"--said women could never be priests because Christ and his 12 apostles were all men.

"It is saying the most important thing about Jesus is that he was male; not his message, not that he was fully human and fully God," said Aisha Taylor, executive director of Women's Ordination Conference, which supports women who discern a priestly vocation, whether they choose to wait for the abolition of Canon Law 1024 or to move forward with ordination. The group operates a scholarship fund for women to pursue religious education and connects the ordained with communities ready for them to serve.
Priests celebrate an ordination.
Heartened by Vatican Interference

Taylor said the organization was cheered in July when the Vatican interfered with an ordination scheduled to take place at a Lutheran church in New York.

A Vatican adviser told the church's pastor that hosting the rite would result in "very serious damage to the relationship" between the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America and the Roman Catholic Church, according to a secretly forwarded memo.

"It's showing that they're taking us seriously," Taylor said. "It's showing that, first of all, they know about it and, second of all, they care about it. Because I think they know Catholics are accepting the women as priests."

That acceptance presents a problem for the Vatican because canon law instructs that custom is the best interpreter of the law, Taylor said. If large numbers of Catholics accept female priests, supporters can make a canonical argument for their legitimacy.

The Catholic hierarchy has applied penalties for ordination unevenly, often depending on the temperament and sympathies of the local bishop.

To move forward with ordinations, Roman Catholic Womenpriests needed a bishop in the line of apostolic succession who was willing to ordain women. They found Romulo Braschi of Argentina, who ordained seven women in June 2002 aboard a ship on the River Danube, since bodies of water are technically outside an archdiocese. They subsequently became known as the Danube Seven. The church deems Braschi's orders "valid but illicit."

Only the Danube Seven have been publicly excommunicated.

Others report receiving letters from bishops saying their actions have triggered "latae sententiae," or an automatic, private penalty that takes effect upon completion of an offense.

The bishops' letters generally say the woman's actions have separated her from the church. She is not supposed to engage in pastoral care or seek the sacraments, the seven Catholic rites which confer divine grace.
Warnings Ahead of Ordination

Some women receive warnings before they are ordained. Archbishop Timothy Dolan wrote to Iaquinta prior to her ordination as a deacon (a necessary step preceding priestly ordination) and said she would incur "the gravest canonical penalties" should she continue.

"You should not be exercising any liturgical or pastoral ministry in the Catholic Church lest confusion or scandal arise among the people," he wrote.

The lataes and warnings are sporadic. Half of the eight women ordained as priests in the summer of 2006 received them, Taylor said.

The latae often is meaningless because women continue to receive the sacraments, said Bridget Mary Meehan, author of 20 religious books and an ordained priest since 2006. Some priests don't know, others don't care and other times women create new Catholic communities, such as house churches.

But other costs are very real.

Meehan's mainstream Catholic publisher, Liguori Publications, based in Liguori, Mo., dropped her books immediately after the ordination. She now sells them herself through Amazon.

Patricia Fresen, ordained in 2003, lost her teaching post at a Catholic university in Johannesburg, South Africa, and was forced out of the Dominican religious order.

Women involved in the movement said they wanted to remain in the Catholic Church because the church is their spiritual home and, as Meehan said, "You can't change something by leaving it."

Claire Bushey is a freelance journalist based in Chicago.


It's something to think about. If you believe in it...join the fight and support the ordination of women in the Catholic church.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Number Twenty Seven: I'm a Nobody





My world became very big while I was still very small. I think that is why it never really bothered, or mattered much, what others thought about me. I can remember being on the school bus and having the other girls skating that thin line between cruel and honest. I was most likely very easy to pick on, as I stared a lot out of the scratched up safety glass of the bus windows. I was a target that sat still, them never knowing that I wasn't listening to their taunts or threats. It didn't matter. There were much bigger things in the world that those young bullies knew not of yet. There were crumbling down wall, big black hole problems that lurked around even our childish corners, waiting with the acute ability to wreak complete chaos.

There are not many things I remember about my childhood, other than a handful of specific moments in time that changed my life. I have tried to remember special events, grab hold of some memory of holidays or vacations, but they just don't seem to come. And the parts I do remember, they pass through my mind almost like the trees through the scratched school bus glass. Just as benign now as the young girls comments, untouchably floating past me without a cut. Of course, scar tissue is harder to reopen once it's been closed.

So, who am I? I am and have been many things to many different people.
Daughter
Sister
Friend
Lover
Enemy
Confidant
Advisor
Truth teller
Liar

But I believe the thing that fits me best is -- Meredith.

Are there others out there that would add to my list? Most likely. I've been called many things. I've been perceived as many things. I have been unjustly defined and improperly viewed depending on the day of the week. But, I just don't care. Call me what you want. Believe what you want. I really don't mind.

I never claimed to be anybody -- special, disposable, worthy. I am just me and I accept that. I am my faults and my talents combined. I am mistakes and do-overs. I am the sum of my parts. I am a product of my past. I am present. Could I change the world? A nobody? Possibly.

Those who love me, know me. Those who hate me, know me too. And I'm ok with that. I am just me, good and bad -- Meredith.

So. Who are you?

Number Twenty Six: Listen














N.Y.

by Ezra Pound

My City, my beloved, my white! Ah, slender,
Listen! Listen to me, and I will breathe into thee a soul.
Delicately upon the reed, attend me!

Now do I know that I am mad,
For here are a million people surly with traffic;
This is no maid.
Neither could I play upon any reed if I had one.

My City, my beloved,
Thou art a maid with no breasts,
Thou art slender as a silver reed.
Listen to me, attend me!
And I will breathe into thee a soul,
And thou shalt live for ever.



I was actually looking for a quote more for the topic I wanted than the other way around. I wanted to touch on a something specific and I couldn’t figure out just how to go about it. I talked about before how I don’t feel like I communicate the same way others do. And, I wanted to think of a way to get my point across that made sense to others. All the while, I do believe that too much thought was given to it and what I was intending to avoid in the first place is possibly what I’ve just ended up doing anyway.

Regardless. Let us begin.

When I was just a very little girl, two/almost three, my mother enrolled me in dance class at a local dance studio. There was a little lobby area with a Coke® machine and grey carpet. A counter, where only the staff, meaning the older girls who volunteered there, were allowed to go – although they would let me sneak back there on occasion. And the entrance to the studio was guarded by two sliding doors that “G,” my instructor, would ceremoniously slide open and closed between classes in what seem to me as her ever abundant flourish and flair.

I can still remember the sound of the doors as they rolled open and shut. The sound of hollow moving to full, then back again.

I danced many years across that shiny shellacked wooden floor. I learned how to tie bows on my ballet slippers long before my shoes I felt beautiful for the first time in front of one of the mirrors that lined the front wall. I discovered so much about myself, and the world and life. And, I experienced the sensation of being graceful as I have not since.

I enjoyed my life inside those four walls. I liked who I was in that enclosed space. But the thing I miss most about that part of my life, is G. She was incredible. Beautiful. Magical in a way, especially to someone who was lucky enough to meet her at almost the very beginning of their life.

At my last recital she presented me with my very first solo costume. It was so small, so pink and so shiny.

During my Junior year of college she was diagnosed with breast cancer. You wouldn’t know it through her letters, as she never wrote – not one – negative word. Even when she lost her beautiful long blond hair. When she became more and more housebound. Even when the cancer spread to her lungs and continued its journey, it never touched her spirit.

That’s what must have been with me that day.

The day my mother called and told me that G wasn’t doing well and I needed to come home.

The day I didn’t even have time to get my shoes on – let alone tie them – before the phone rang again.

The day that I found out there was a last time that you could see someone, and mine had been months.

The day I drove from college for an hour in silence before I realized it and switched on the radio, only to hear on an alternative punk station – although I was on the backroads of Kentucky so some could say there was interference – and heard this:

Where have you been,
My long lost friend?
It's good to see you again.
Come and sit for a while
I've missed your smile
Today the past is goodbye...


...There is a way to make you stay.
Darlin don't turn away
Don't doubt your heart
and keep us apart
I'm right where you are
Stay

Allison Krauss


I may be a quagmire. But I have just told you, at least in my way, a great deal about myself. Perhaps figuring out what exactly that is, tells a great deal about who you are.

Number Twenty Five: What? You were expecting...




Just take a minute to process this thought:
How many times a day are you disappointed by someone?

Ok, now ask yourself -- what did you expect?

We all expect different things from different people.
Some we expect to be funny.
Some we expect to be kind.
Some we expect to always be there when we need them.


Sometimes our expectations are met, but most often times they are not. Is that our problem...or those who are disappointing to us?

Well, I don't really have the answer for that one. But, I have learned to lower my expectations. I am not talking about settling for less than what you deserve, only examining and giving more breathing room to those expectations we place on others. That way, when I do become disappointed, I can stop, ask myself and even recognize if I am responsible for that.

For instance, last week a bunch of people from work went to lunch. They had mentioned it earlier in the day. I had a meeting and went to the bathroom and as I was coming back I saw the lunch group leaving...without me. They were gone for a while, taking a leisurely lunch, while I sat and stewed.

I can't believe they forgot me
I can't believe that no one waited
I can't believe that I mean so little
How am I so easy to forget
I must not mean as much as I thought to these people


They are instant thoughts that we all have, insecurities and negativities that live within us and rear their ugly heads at a moments notice.

When the group came back, I honestly will admit that I acted like a child. I sulked, was angry and very passive aggressive about what was really bothering me. The truth was, my feelings got hurt. Did anyone mean to do it? Was it done on purpose? Was it anyones fault?

No.

It wasn't anything more than I was placing my expectations on others. Do they know what my expectations were? No. Can I really fault someone for not reading my mind? No. Do I have any right to expect? No.

I could have spoken up. I could have said, "Wait for me." That's what anyone else would have done. And, honestly, that's probably what I would have normally done. So instead of expecting someone else to make it happen...perhaps I should have taken that responsibility on myself.

Perhaps, you might want to think about this as well?


Number Twenty Four: My Turn





I am sure there were quite a few chuckles behind my back the day I wore this shirt. I am not known around the office, or in polite society for that matter, for my ability to contain my thoughts and opinions. Despite what some may think, I do have and am able to hold my tongue when the need arises. And for those who I have done this, you know who you are.

However, the reason for this shirt was actually opposing individual daily commentary. For instance, here's just a few I've gotten:

You look like you don't feel well?
Have you been crying, your eyes are puffy?
Well, don't you look casual today.
You're too skinny.
You should get some sun, you're too pale.


WTF people!?!

This isn't uncommon and it doesn't just happen to me. I've heard some of the rudest comments come out of people mouths, without them really realizing what they are saying or doing.

One day I got one of those "too skinny" comments and I replied with:
You are too short. You should grow a little.

It was to a friend and she did laugh...so I went on.
Actually, I have a whole list of things I think you should do. They are at my desk if you would like for me to go over them with you.

My ability to keep a straight face when posing the ridiculous is a bit unsettling. But, my dear friend got the point and did politely decline my list.

Seriously though...You would never walk up to someone and say:

Gosh, you're looking rather large today. Have you put on weight?
Loosing your hair, huh?
You alright? You look like you don't know what you're doing.
You really shouldn't wear your pants so tight.
I liked your hair better before you cut it.


The old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say..." might be something to keep in mind. However, do one better, and sometimes just opt to keep your mouth shut.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Number Twenty Three: Turn the Other Cheek





You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.'But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil. When someone strikes you on (your) right cheek, turn the other one to him as well. If anyone wants to go to law with you over your tunic, hand him your cloak as well. Should anyone press you into service for one mile, go with him for two miles. Give to the one who asks of you, and do not turn your back on one who wants to borrow. Matthew 5:38:45


I completely agree, as I've said before, that it is a good thing to give people the benefit of the doubt. However, there is a line -- or there at least should be -- drawn on this subject. Whether you believe in God or not...there is no sense in being a doormat or a martyr...and no one has asked you to.

A friend asked me the other night what my pet peeves were and it took me a while, but I came up with one...a BIG one.

I can't stand when people let others treat them like shit, and then blame it on God.

Oh, I guess it's just my lot in life to do....
It's much better if I just let my coworker continue to...
I should just let it go...
It's ok, I'm used to it...

Guess what? You don't NOT get bonus points for being miserable. The more hideous of a situation you can stay in is NOT going to get you a golden ticket. So doing everything just to please people...taking it all on to show how much you can do...shallowly humbling yourself, offering to handle whatever situation with a "poor me, I'll be alright..." isn't doing you any good, because you have not been asked to do these things. Good grief.

Get down off the cross honey. Somebody could use the wood.

Yes, maybe it's best to turn the other cheek. But NOWHERE in the bible does it say...and then turn it again, now again, now just one more time, wow that's getting chapped, well go ahead and keep taking it, ouch that's gotta hurt, can't be much longer now...

No. It says turn the other cheek -- once.

Even when you try your best to do your best, and be the best that you can be, sometimes, you're gonna take a hit. That's ok. It happens. Let it go -- once.

But no one, I mean no one, should let somebody else treat them like crap. You don't deserve it. You weren't meant to live that kind of life. And you can't use God as an excuse for being unhappy. Sorry. It doesn't work that way.

Keep your chin up. Strengthen your backbone and grow a pair. Learn the art of being assertive. You set the boundaries of how you will be treated. Where are your lines drawn? If someone is stepping over them, get them back in their place. If you don't have boundaries, people ARE going to walk all over you, simply because they can. You might as well just haul out the welcome mat.

It's ok to let people know how you want to be treated. If they don't like it, then move on. But if you are willing to give up your own happiness just so you don't have to ask/tell/demand to be treated like a decent human being...well then, you deserve whatever you get.

And if you're just doing it for attention -- seriously -- people can tell. So stop it.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Number Twenty Two: Ladylike?





There are times I've been told, that I'm not very ladylike.

By my mom.

My mother is funny and I always found it amusing when she would say this to me, which I recall being quite a bit when I was younger.

If I burped
If I said something crass
If I was too loud
If I dressed a little different
If I didn't wear makeup
If I chose pants over a dress
If I spoke up for myself
If I disagreed
If i didn't sit correctly
If I slouched

"Meredith, that's not very ladylike."

I don't know if the ladylike epidemic has actually made it across the entire US, or if it's just sticking mostly to the south -- but it's a big deal. There are actually "rules" of being ladylike. Rules, I have to admit, I never bothered to learn.

And now, in modern society, I have moved into a new category of "unladylikeness." I'm a 30 year old woman, single, who owns her own house, her own car, lives her own life...without a husband. Now those of you who actually have a significant other may be thinking to yourself...so? However, I would say most of the ladies in my situation take some flak about it -- and at times are ostracized and even sometimes pitied.

Check out some of the highlights in this article from bnet.com:
One by One - statistics on single people in the United States - Brief Article - Statistical Data Included

Less than 25 percent of American households are married couples with children younger than 18. And more Americans are remaining single -- 82 million of them, to be exact. Between 1990 and 2000, the number of nonfamily households (where people who are not family members live together or a person lives alone) rose at twice the rate of households of immediate or extended families, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. In Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Louisiana, Mississippi, Nevada, New York and the District of Columbia, the majority of households now are made up of singles. Nationwide, 52 percent of all households contain married couples.

But American society has not adjusted to the growing legions of the unmarried, says Thomas Coleman, executive director for the American Association for Single People (AASP) in Los Angeles...

Singles often are lumped into a "high-risk" class by insurance companies and are charged a higher rate than married coworkers, says Coleman, adding that they also are denied "family" discounts for roommates or partners. "There is no federal protection against marital bias in employment, housing or business transactions," he says.

Singles constitute more than 40 percent of the adult population, and 10 percent of all adults will never marry, according to 2000 census statistics. "In our society, we consistently send the message that, `If you are not married, you have fallen short. Something is missing in your life,'" says Dorian Solot, one of the founders of the Boston-based Alternatives to Marriage Project.


I was talking to my Dad last night about this exact same thing. I talked about how I feel I stumbled into a changing generation. Women before me were considered spinsters at my age. Women like me in the future will probably be the norm. But right now, we are (us singles) changing our country by refusing to conform, by doing what makes us happy, by fulfilling our own lives and by changing the way people view the unmarried.

It's not easy and sometimes it's not fun. I absolutely hate going home for holidays and getting the same questions:
Are you bringing anyone?
Met anyone lately?

And my absolute favorite (courtesy of my parents)
You think you'll ever give me a grandkid?

No. No. And...you already have two from my siblings. Talk to them.

However, deep down I know that there will always be people who look at me with sadness. There will always be people who try to fix me up so that "I can be happy." There will always be people who don't understand that, even a single person can have an incredibly full life, which I do.

I didn't choose to be in this position on purpose. I was just going along, minding my own business when it was pointed out to me that something was "wrong." But now that I'm here, I'm gonna join the fight for the unladylike singles of the world! I am proud of the life I've made (that I've made) for myself and if other people can't see that without there being a large black hole, that's fine. Ignorant, but fine.

Because in the meantime, I am going to empower young girls to follow their dreams. To go out and live the life they want. To impress upon them the fact that they don't have to be a duo to live a fulfilling life. To let them know not to hold off on going and doing and accomplishing in order to wait for their other half.

I'm a whole (that's what she said). I don't need anymore pieces. If they come along and add to my life, I will be happy to have them. But, if they don't, my life will still be beautiful, at least to me. And that's all that really matters.




Number Twenty One: Behind Us, Before Us, Within Us





What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when we bring what is within us out into the world, miracles happen"

Ralph Waldo Emerson


There is a good chance you have heard the first part of this famous quote. However, you probably have never heard the last line, which I believe is the most important part. For some reason, the last line is usually deleted from publications. However, I've never understood why.

This is what we call, in advertising, the call to action. It's what the audience is supposed to do. While it is inspirational to know that your past and future are nothing compared to the what you have to offer the world -- it doesn't do anyone any good if you don't put it to some good use.

Imagine seeing an attorney commercial going something like this:
Have you been hurt in a car accident?
Lost wages?
Hospital bills?
You know you could be receiving compensation, maybe even thousands of dollars!

Good Luck.



See what I mean?

Our past is what has made us who we are. Every step, stumble and sacrifice has led you to exactly where you are right now. The future is waiting, but not a promise. Right now. Today. You have the opportunity to take what you have learned and share it with the world. If not the world, then your cube mate, spouse, best friend.

What do you have inside of you that you could offer up to make the world a better place? To make someone else's life a little bit easier?

You're not going to get any points for what you are capable of doing...You actually have to go out there and DO something.

It seems as we get older our dreams can begin to slip away or fade. Old hobbies fall to the wayside and talents we once shared are now just discussed at parties. But all of the wonderful things you "used" to have are still there. So use them, everyday.

If everyone made an effort to bring out the best of themselves, just imagine what the world would be like. The possibilities are endless.



Monday, April 21, 2008

Number Twenty: Be Prophylactive!




Well, I think that's pretty much to the point. Does that embarrass you? Would you wear that on your chest? Do you find it inappropriate?

If so, good.

If we want to be able to teach our children about sex...we have to be able to talk about it, right? Put it out there. Be able to say things like oral and anal, without passing out. You know why? Because if we don't, we could be risking someones life.


Five Years of Abstinence-Only-Until-Marriage Education: Assessing the Impact
By Debra Hauser, MPH, Vice President, Advocates for Youth

In 1996, Congress signed into law the Personal Responsibility & Work Opportunities Reconciliation Act, or "welfare reform." Attached was the provision, later set out in Section 510(b) of Title V of the Social Security Act, appropriating $250 million dollars over five years for state initiatives promoting sexual abstinence outside of marriage as the only acceptable standard of behavior for young people.


Oh come on people! The youth of this nation are locked and loaded! They have all the tools they need...and they also have an instinctual urge to use those tools.

Don't take my word for it:
According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy
Three in ten teenage girls (31%) become pregnant at least once before they reach the age of 20 – more than 750,000 teen pregnancies a year. Eight in ten of these pregnancies are unintended and 81% are to unmarried teens.

Despite impressive declines over the past decade, the United States still has the highest rates of teen pregnancy and births in the Western industrialized world. Teen pregnancy costs the United States at least $7 billion annually.


And, what about STDs?
According to the CDC
Nineteen (19) million new STD infections occur each year, almost half of them among young people ages 15 to 24.

In 2004, an estimated 4,883 people ages 13-24 received a diagnosis of HIV infection or AIDS, representing about 13% of the people given a diagnosis that year.

In 2004, an estimated 7,761 young people were living with AIDS, a 42% increase since 2000, when 5,457 young people were living with AIDS.


And from the desk of the American Social Health Association
One in two sexually active youth will contract an STD by age 25.

Some young people, including those who had abstinence education, consider oral and anal sex to be abstinent behaviors and do not realize these behaviors present risks of STD transmission.

Half of all new HIV infections occur among adolescents.


Do we really need to go on? Need more proof?

I'm not saying you shouldn't teach your children about abstinence. Of course you should! Of course, that's what all parents want for/from their children. I'm 30 years old and my mom still wants to believe I'm a virgin. Sorry mom.

But, kids deserved to know everything, not just what you want them to know. For their own protection and safety, they need to be talked to about uncomfortable topics, serious issues. It's not gonna be fun for either one of you, but it's worth it. The alternative is just too big of a gamble, don't you think?

Special Thanks to Holly Detra for the wonderful artwork!


Number Nineteen: What You Say...




What people say and what they mean, seems exceedingly inconsistent in this day and age. But, I believe that I have always communicated a little bit different from the norm. I think I knew it as a child, but have really noticed it as I've gotten older that I just don't talk to people the same way most others do.

I'm not one to beat around the bush. 90 percent of the time, you can take what I say as is. Some people like it...some people absolutely hate me for it, but it's what and how I know.

My psychiatrist says that many people with OCD are the same way. Surprise, you just found out something about me. I'm OCD, clinically and medicated for it. There's a whole nature vs. nurture discussion behind that one, but simply put, this spills over into my communication style. I don't like to leave things hanging out there that can be misconstrued. I'm direct and to the point, just like in almost everything I do.

I don't understand people when they are going around and around a topic. I don't read between the lines. It's not that I refuse to, I just don't understand how. It doesn't make sense to me. I want and need it honestly, whatever it is. No holds barred. Is it really that difficult?

I'll give you an example. Have you ever had to work with someone you just didn't care for? Someone who drove you absolutely bonkers? I'm sure you have. We all have. But here's where I'm different.

There was a young lady that I used to work with. Luckily I did not have to work directly with her on too many occasions, but the times that I did were very trying. She was fresh out of college. She was exceedingly loud and disruptive -- and not in a fun way. She made jokes that were inappropriate (again, would have made a difference if they were at least funny). And it seemed that she did everything in her power to push her work off on other people.

There's a list of reasons that I did not care for her. And that just happens. You're not going to like everyone you meet and not everyone is going to like you. No big deal. When she was around, I was always civil to her, but I never spent more time around her than need be.

About three months into her office invasion, she started finding ways to be around me more. She would come up and ask me questions she could have asked someone else. She would bring stuff to me off the printer and ask if it was mine. Just random shit, but it was like she was always there....like a gnat. Again, i always kept my civility.

However, one day she came to me and said, "Meredith, sometimes I get the feeling that you don't like me very much."

Well, you should never ask questions, or make statements, that you don't want to know the answer to...of which mine was:
"No, I really don't." And there it was.

She was very upset and I tried to tell her she shouldn't be, that's just the way life is. You are not going to get along with everyone. I didn't go into the whys, but I did let her know that I really didn't want to be her friend.

Now some people may think that this is cold. However, it saves me a lot of time and trouble. Think of all the problems you have had over a miscommunication with a coworker, boss or spouse...eh? So don't do it anymore. Just say it --

Would you like to go out with me?...No, thank you.
What do you think of this idea?...I think you should put some more thought into it.
How does this dress look on me?...Like your grandmothers couch just upchucked.

It's not always bad. On the same note, I am very honest about the good things too.
You look absolutely lovely.
That was so well said.
I really appreciate you doing that.

And when I do dish out a compliment or a thank you...people know I mean it.

So what are you so afraid of? Speak up. Speak out. Speak true. And get really good at your bob and weave...you're gonna need it.


Saturday, April 19, 2008

Number Eighteen: I could make you cry





If I wanted to. I honeslty, most likely could. It's a instinct of sorts, an ability I have, the intuitive nature which allows me to very quickly see an individuals weak point. A crack in the foundation. Your tell. The worst thing you think about yourself, I could probably tell you what it is...and I could do it in such a silky black ribbon kind of way you wouldn't see it coming until -- BAM -- eloquently slashed...mortal wound.

This is my dark side. We all have one. There was a time and a place when I would use this ability to intimidate and yes, at times, humiliate. I don't anymore. I choose not to. I try not to. But I always know that I still can, if I want, which both makes me feel strong and wicked.

I'll tell ya a little story. There was a girl I worked with in college who slept with my boyfriend of the time (Completely different cheater than the first one I mentioned), whom we also worked with. It happened on the bathroom floor at a party. Disgusting right?

Well, there were many a times I made her cry. I never touched her, yelled at her, publicly humiliated her. I didn't have to, because I knew her secret. She didn't like herself very much and it was very easy to remind her of that. Subtly, but always with complete accuracy and the most amount of damage.

Now, sadly, the thing I feel worst about in this situation is that I have still not gotten to the point where i truly feel really bad about it. And that's the worst part. I may have a sliver of remorse, but probably not as much as I should, because somewhere still very deep inside of me there is something that says, "She deserved it."

Some people would never admit that about themselves. Admit that they can be cruel, sneaky, manipulative. There are probably many that would never admit it to themselves. I'll admit it. If I chose to, I could be a really good bad person. Honestly I think that it's a choice we all have to make whether, again, we want to admit it or not.

To each of our lights, there is a dark that must be recognized. If you can't see it, how can you ever begin to control it? And, I guarantee you, in each and every living breathing one of us, there is that side.



Number Seventeen: A Boy or a Girl




Would you like a boy or a girl?

When this question was posed to young couples 20, 30, 40 years ago -- some would choose, some would say they didn't care, and many would just say "as long as it's healthy."

Pose this question to parents today, there's a possibility you might hear:
I would like a boy, blue eyes with his fathers hair color. Also, we would like for him to grow to at least 6'3, with above average speed and agility, along with a predilection for math and science.

Seriously, we aren't that far away from baby menus and fertility boutiques. And, wow...yeah, we have made progress, broken the barriers, done things we never thought possible. The discoveries that have been made are simply mind blowing. Truly.

Now...maybe we could switch focus for a minute?

Try to stay with me here:

I work at an ad agency. At any given time we have new business pitches, spec work and billable jobs floating around. Now, what's the most fun? The new creative...the without reigns brainstorming for new products, designs and headlines. However, that's not what really pays the bills. There are times you HAVE to work on the existing and (most importantly) paying clients. It might be old hat. It might not be exactly what you want to be doing, but it's work that has to be done. And, since you are good at doing your job, you take on the new project and give it all you can. There will be other times to push the envelope.

On the same train of thought...I am sure that it is a blast growing little ears on the backs of lab mice. But we really got some important work left to do.

Is it time to reprioritize our scientific research. I don't know, perhaps we put more heads into the AIDS epidemic, reallocate resources to cancer, put a little bit more into making the kids we have safer and healthier? You know...the 1.35 million of kids living on the streets any given night of the week.

I will be the first to raise my hand and say:

Dear scientists,
While I would rather not lose an ear, I will gladly give up the research time for you to grow one if you would like to give some thought to leukemia.

I don't mind if the children I have aren't perfect, if that could free up a few minutes you could devote to diabetes research.

If my child has to be lactose intolerant, I'm willing to take responsibility for that and stock up on soy milk if you want to figure out MS.

I will pass on getting my cat cloned even though I love him very much, if you wanted to brainstorm Alzheimers.

Anybody else willing to give up something?

Friday, April 18, 2008

Number Sixteen: Didn't We Seperate These?





The separation of church and state, which is actually paraphrased, is not only in our constitution...it is part of the very first ammendmant. Number one. Numero uno. If you didn't know, we actually have Thomas Jefferson to thank for putting pen to paper on that subject, even though it seems some successors have forgotten it's there.

Decisions and laws are moved along everyday founded soley upon, what any one with a modicum of common sense could say are very much, religious reasons. There is a lot of grey there. Arguments can easily be made and lines can seem very blurry at times. What's right? What's wrong? And, who gets to make the call?

In times like those, just a thought, it may be a good idea that the solution/law/whatever you want to call it, is just as blurry as the problem itself.

Hmmm...confusing? I'll explain.

I am continuously astounded at the vehement objections to gay marriage. I'm not gay...but I really don't care if those who are get married, either. The arguments for legally allowing gay marriage, even setting "love" aside, are very valid. Think of it this way - I don't care if it's your very best friend from childhood, or your love of ten years, if they were in an accident and you were the one in the hospital with them...would you not demand to be treated like family? To be able to see the injured person? Hold their hand? Calm there fears? Would you not fight for it?

I would.

I was not raised in the "traditional" home, in my time at least. My parents divorced when I was 7 (almost eight) and I remember being the only kid in class whose family was like that. I remember being told that my parents were "sinners." It was a big deal. But now? Wow, this country LOVES divorce. And the church side seems pretty ok with it, even us catholics with our magic annulments.

So, how does it make any sense for a country to make it easier to tear a family apart than to build one? Why is it better and more acceptable -- even rewarded -- to just give it a shot. If it doesn't work, no big deal, get a divorce.

Even better, you don't like your family? Get rid of them too. Oh yeah. Emancipation. Kids divorce your parents. Parents divorce your kids. Whatever you want to do. Whatever you need.

Unless your gay.

Whoa! Hold the boat on that one. Cause we can't, in good conscience, allow you to get married (and divorced, if you so choose) if you're gay. Well. That just wouldn't make any sense at all. Oh yeah, and I'm pretty sure God agrees with me.


What is that shit? And, why aren't we bringing any alternatives to the table.

How about this?
1. State -- If we can legally deconstruct a family in just about any way, shape, or form...we should be able to legally construct one as well. Choose your family. Make your family. Build your family.

What is wrong with that? This is a princeple that benefits us all. Only-children, widows, spinsters...no "real" family, but many good friends. Why can I not name someone my brother? My sister? I could adopt and name someone my child. And if so, why not my partner?

Legal, done.

2. Church -- Figure it out for yourselves. Each church makes its own decision on whether or not they will hold same-sex weddings.

Church, done.

Now. What is so difficult about that? Really.


Thursday, April 17, 2008

Number Fifteen: Don't Like. Don't Look.




Geeze Louise!

It hasn't been too long ago that The Catholic League protested "The Golden Compass," part of Phillip Pullman's Dark Materials Trilogy. "Atheism for kids," is what Pullman is trying to sell to unsuspecting parents and children, according to the league.

On another note...A Pro-Life activism group recently crashed a premier of Horton Hears a Who to use as a platform against abortion.

And most recently, The Parents Television Council began protesting America's Next Top Model for a nude photo shoot. I am unable to paraphrase the ridiculous notions of PTC president...so I must quote the New York Post Article Staff Writer who compiled this with a straight face:

While the nudity was partially blurred, PTC president Tim Winter called it "irresponsible" and said it "crossed the legal threshold for broadcast indecency."

"This is not simply a matter of artistic freedom, as some might claim," Winter said.

"Rather, this is about a television network intentionally pushing the envelope to establish a new acceptable nudity standard for the broadcast medium."


"The entire photo shoot scene, which lasted for more than a minute, is wholly gratuitious and undoubtedly intended to titillate," Winter said.

"Broadcasters have an obligation to abide by decency standards in exchange for free use of the public airwaves.

"Parents and families are fed up with such blatant and continued disregard for decency standards."


If you don't like it. Don't look. Don't listen. And don't try to judge and humiliate the millions of others who just may not agree with you.

TV shows are not only rated now...many have disclaimers at the beginning of the show AND after commercial breaks. Movies, go figure, are also rated for content...and many are even reviewed. So if you don't know what the movie is about, there is information out there that will tell you. Radio hosts like Howard Stern have moved out of the public eye onto satellite radio. What else do you want?

Get educated about what YOU are exposing YOURSELF to. Get educated on what YOU may or may not want YOUR children to see. And you know what happens next -- avoid it. Don't go see the R rated movie. Don't let your children have free reign over the cable. Put a lock on your internet. But first...take some responsibility. Do your job as an individual and parent -- and stop trying to make the rest of the world conform to what YOU feel is decent.

I went to see a movie with my sister and 13 year old nephew. She took the time to look at the reviews and the comments made by others who had watched the movie. However, about half way through she decided that the content wasn't something she wanted my nephew to watch. It was getting progressively vulgar, while funny for my sister and I, it just wasn't something she wanted to expose my nephew to. So you know what we did. We left.

We didn't make a stink about it. We just left. No big deal.

My sister made the decision as a responsible parent that she didn't want her kid to be exposed to some of the crude comments that were being made. Gosh...she did her job as a parent. Good for her. My nephew was not incredibly happy about it, but he got over it when she explained why we were leaving. There were no hard feelings -- it was what it was. Did she go home and make signs with clever slogans to ward off anyone else who may enjoy the movie. No! Because, that would be silly.

There are bigger and better battles to fight than who should protect YOU and YOUR children from what you might consider unacceptable media content. Especially when the answer is simple: YOU. Your job, your responsibility and your call.



Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Number Fourteen: STOP



Stop. Fuck. Enough. These are my three favorite words. They are strong, direct and quite useful as far as I'm concerned, at least in my communication.

I think that, perhaps, I communicate differently than the majority of people...or perhaps I don't. But it often times feels that way.

Stop beating around the bush.

I don't read between the lines. If you need to say something to me or tell me something, you have to be specific or I'm not gonna get it. My brain doesn't work that way. Get to the point. There are ways to tell people exactly what you are thinking...in a polite manner, despite the message...and if you don't know how to do it, figure it out.

Stop with the useless information.
I work in advertising, which is crazy in and of itself. But, there is a lot of information that flows through here -- demographics, audience, b to b, b to c, consumer relations, direct response, statistics, media buys. Well, I don't digest that fast and I'm the kind of person who just wants to know what I need to know.

Stop for a minute.
And sometimes I just need to process. I just need some quiet.

Stop can be playful and flirty. Stop can be harsh and abrasive. Stop can be a question asking for a moment of understanding. It's a powerful word that says what it means and means what it says.

While unladylike, Fuck is another one of my fav's. Wow and people have a problem with this. But, again, it's direct, can be used in many different ways and it has power.

Just as an example, here's something I wrote for an ex of mine, entitled "Fuck":
FUCK
This, that, the other. You, Me, this bullshit. Hope. Love. Faith. Truth. Future. Happiness.

Not having coffee.
Mornings in bed.
Childhood innocence.
Memories.
Slow drivers.
Opinions.
Silent phones.

What you might say. What you won't say. What you did say. What you could have said. What could have been.

Him and her.
Them, all of them.
That damn house.

All his lies. All her miseries. Their pompous attitudes. Their good advice. Her not having the strength to stand up. (For God sakes...Stand the Fuck Up!)

Tomorrow and what I won't do.

Chores. Responsibilities. Work. Deadlines. Reasonings. Questions. Common Courtesy. Respect. Sacrifice. Trust.


And You, Baby.
Fuck You.


Enough is a word that I don't think is used, well, enough. Again, powerful word when used in the right context. I think this is a word that some people may be scared to use.

Enough...of this bullshit meeting.
Enough...of this crappy relationship.
Enough...with your bitching and whining.
Enough...of your obnoxious blatherings.
Enough...of the hatred.
Enough...war, poverty and famine.

And maybe people don't use this word because it is a call to action. If you declare enough, you must then move to stop it. If you've had enough, you have to have the courage to walk away. If you have heard enough, you have to find your voice.

So, ask yourself, when is enough, enough? And when are you going to do something about it?

For Fuck's sake...stop for a minute and take a good look around. Hasn't it become enough?



Monday, April 14, 2008

Number Thirteen: Empathy Requires No Explanation




Empathy -- Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings and motives.

I woke up yesterday and just didn't feel right. Could've been the weather. Could've been that I didn't get enough sleep. Could've been it was just one of those days. We all have them -- those days. Days where we are sick. Days where we've had our heart broken or our pride demolished. Days where we wake up and dread the afternoon meeting. Days where our head hurts, our kids have been rotten, someone in our family is sick, the mortgage is overdue, the car wouldn't start, your doctor wants you in for tests. And on those days, there are many of us that walk around with it written all over our faces.

I know I do.

I have NO poker face. You can tell exactly what I am thinking by my expression. I've tried to correct this issue, but to no avail. It just ain't happening. If I'm happy, you'll see it in my smile. If I'm pissed, well, it's not pretty. But no matter what is written on my face, sometimes I just need a little understanding -- without having to explain why.

Each and every one of us have our days, weeks, months...our own skeletons and scars...fears and dreams. And you know what...they are no one elses business but our own. If someone is having a crappy day, YOU don't have to know why in order to give them some space or a little pat on the back. If someone tells you "no," or "they can't," take them for their word. Must we know every single detail in order to treat people with a little compassion?

No. It's none of your business.

The ability to feel empathy is in most people, unless you're a sociopath. However, so is our need to be "in the know."

Try to override your sense of curiosity with a sense of caring. If someone you know needs a hug -- give it to them. If you see someone who needs a pick me up, give 'em one.

It's not difficult to see when someone is having it rough.
It's not difficult to ask, "You alright?"
It's not difficult to offer a shoulder, "If you need to talk, I'm here."
And, it's not difficult just to give some blind support, "You know, it's gonna be alright. It always is. Everything will work out."

The most difficult thing, it seems, is to keep ourselves from drawing pleasure from others pain. Needing to have a story to tell and retell. The need to know. And honestly, can any of us really say we've never done this? No. But, we can say...we'll never do it again.



Number Twelve: What do you say?




If you're curious as to what you are supposed to say...well, this tee is for you. What was once considered common courtesies, have definitely become very uncommon.

Thank You
You're Welcome
Excuse Me
Please...
Are just a few examples. For some reason it seems adults have allocated these statements to children only. However, you never grow out of the need of being polite. I can't stand walking through a crowded street or store, getting bumped back and forth by drones of zombiefied people who think if they don't make eye contact then it's ok to just keep going. It's not ok. Say "Excuse Me," for goodness sake. No one gave you the right to just bust through a crowd unabashed.

If someone does something for you, the first words out of your mouth should be, "Thank You." Not -- this isn't right, or I wanted (xx) instead. Be thankful for what you have or what you're getting, or next time you might just not get anything at all.

"You're Welcome," is a good thing to say when thanked, but it's also an excellent way to get a thank you. If you do something for someone and they don't say thank you...simply remind them that they are welcome for taking up your time. Hopefully they will realize their rude mistake and correct it.

Other uncommon courtesies that we might also want to bring back into play:

Turning Signals -- these are actually now installed in all automobiles. They allow people to know in what direction you would like to go. These are especially helpful when turning off a main road onto a side road. But, they can be used at any time you are changing direction.

Using the Walk Sign -- when crossing a road or major intersection, there are actually blocked off walkways that you can use. In order to make these walkways as user friendly as possible, there are signs that will alert you to when it is safe to cross the road. Amazing pieces of machinery these are. Some even use pictures!

Hand Washing -- this is a whole tree falling in the woods kind of philosophy. You probably won't get caught. If you choose to bypass the sink after using the bathroom, it's doubtful that co-workers or family members will know. However, this is still a good habit to have. If it helps to make this courtesy easier, imagine eating your own feces...now imagine eating someone elses. Now, no one wants that.

When you have been able to conquer these challenges, try to move on to bigger ones, like:
Driving in the appropriate lane on the highway
Putting down the toilet seat
Cleaning up after yourself
Not leaving dishes in the sink

Be careful not to take too much on at once, you may become overwhelmed and then revert back to your old behaviors. Just take one day at a time. You can do it. Now take a breath...and go.




Friday, April 11, 2008

Number Eleven: Please Bring Back the Classic!



I'm pissed off and I'm not going to take it anymore. My very favorite meal in the whole wide world has been banished off the planet! Don't you hate that? If you know how it feels to have something taken away, and I know you do, you can help.

Does Big Business really care about what we think and want? Let's see!

Wendy's is being challenged to Bring Back the Big Bacon Classic...and you can help make it happen.

There is an online petition that I have created that you can go sign right now! It gives you all the good reasons why you should sign the petition -- other than it is just a great freakin' burger! Wendy's Corporate Headquarters will be notified of the petition at the beginning of next week.

Here's the petition (takes a sec to load, be patient):



And if you want to show your crazy support -- you can always purchase your very own "Bring Back the Big Bacon Classic" shirt at zazzle.com.

I'm dying here. Starving. Help save me...please!



Number Ten: Look At The Small Picture




We are all so hip to the big picture. If you have a cause, we have a plastic bracelet for it. If you have a message, we can make it into a bumper sticker so everyone will know what you think. If you are upset, we can bitch about it at work, get other people riled up. That's always helpful.

Americans are great at holding signs, placing blame and getting loud. But, is any of that really helping anyone? What about after you put down the poster board? What about after you walk away from the water cooler conversation? We've gotten really good at looking at the big picture -- War, Gas Prices, Environment. We've gotten so good, in fact, we may be missing the small picture.

Have you taken a good look at yourself lately and asked, "What can I do?"

Sometimes I know I feel like it just doesn't matter. I'm just a girl. One person. But when all the one persons come together, we can make a difference.

Since we are already aware of the problems -- how about we focus on some solutions.

Starting with the most obvious, donate to your cancer/disease research of choice.

Breast Cancer Research -- ww3.komen.org/home

Have we forgotten about AIDS research -- http://www.aidsresearch.org/

Help the homeless and hungry children in the US and around the world -- http://www.savethechildren.org

If you're crafty and love kids, you might like Project Linus -- http://www.projectlinus.org/index.html

Project Linus is a non-profit organization with a mission to provide love, a sense of security, warmth and comfort to children who are seriously ill, traumatized, or otherwise in need through the gifts of new, handmade blankets and afghans, lovingly created by volunteer “blanketeers.” Over 2 million blankets have already been distributed to needy children.

There is Habitat for Humanity
St. Jude's Childrens Research Hospital
The Ronald McDonald House
Toys for Tots
The American Red Cross
The Twin Towers Orphan Fund -- for those who lost their parents on 9/11

Good grief, you can find any cause to help. It just depends on what you want and what you want to change. So just do it. Make an effort to make a better world for someone other than yourself. That way when you do have to face that person in the mirror, you can be proud of who you're looking at.



Thursday, April 10, 2008

Number Eleven: Bring Back the Classic!



In both my professional and personal life I have found one thing to be true: good companies listen to what their consumers want. If you've ever felt like your voice doesn't matter, write a letter to you favorite (or most unfavorite) company and see what happens.

I first discovered this in highschool when my English teacher assigned the class to pick a company that we wanted to write a complaint or a complimentary letter to. The response was crazy! I personally had wrote Neutrogena about a product I had used that was suppose to be a gentle cleaner, but had really been rough on my skin. It wasn't long before I got a package in the mail with a variety of products for sensitive skin, coupons for future purposes and letter that explained their enclosed product line, thanked me for my letter and welcomed me to try their recommendation.

There was one kid in class that got a new pair of tennis shoes from a company he had complimented. And I don't remember one student that didn't receive at least a response...most often times more.

I've written letters to Clairol, Bass, Bic and a variety of others and am always surprised at the response I get. Not too long ago I wrote a letter to Nature Valley Granola and ended up with a big variety box of my favorite granola bars.

So, consider this an inspiration to speak your mind about the common things we depend on to the companies we depend on them for. Don't be a silent consumer, if it's a good company, they will want to hear what you have to say. And, you never know how many other people will appreciate you speaking up.

My most recent consumer soapbox:

My very favorite meal in the whole wide world has been banished off the planet! Don't you hate that? If you know how it feels to have something taken away, and I know you do, you can help.

Does Big Business really care about what we think and want? I think they do. Let's see!

Wendy's is being challenged to Bring Back the Big Bacon Classic...and you can help make it happen.

There is an online petition that I have created that you can go sign right now! It gives you all the good reasons why you should sign the petition -- other than it is just a great freakin' burger! Wendy's Corporate Headquarters will be notified of the petition at the beginning of next week.

Here's the petition (takes a sec to load, be patient):





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